Demons, memories and choices
It's not how you feel it's what you do with it that counts!
I was touched this week by the blog post Calendar by Vet. Knowsley, especially as this week marked one of the hardest days of the year for me.
I pride myself on being strong, capable and forward focussed, yet every year around that day a black, black mist descends reminding me there are still chains binding me to memories I just can't seem to 100% break free from.
A simple date on the calendar, one more day to add to the 4,748 others since that night, why the heck should I still lie in the dark tossing, turning, unable to sleep with nothing but memories of yesteryear?
Maybe it is the chill in the air, the crispness of the nights, the smell of the autumn breeze, the still quiet atmosphere of cold nights drawing in, or any of the other subtle little reminders stuck in my subconscious mind never quite letting me be free from memory.
Well, on a very positive note, the black dog that briefly visited me for a few days (simply to remind me it is there) gave me the opportunity to react in a more mature way, another year on from the event.
Each anniversary I know where I was and what I did. The first anniversary was marked by me wanting to exact revenge, the second by a phone call, another call marked the third. Self harm, and sadness, coupled with fast driving and smashing things up lead the bill in the following years.
But now I am a mum. I am a wife. I have a whole present and future in my hands. I have more to lose than ever I had before. I have to make sure that my burning urges for self destruct are acknowledged but not succumbed to.
No fast cars, no self harm, no punches thrown.
One solitary tear rolled my cheek and hit the pillow.
I was grumpy. I was sensitive. I took things a bit too personally and snapped at those closest to me.
But then the 20th of October came, the sun came up. My family still beside me and 4,749 days had now passed since that night and I was still alive, still strong and sure as hell not going to give up now.
So if you are feeling this too, I just want to say: YES there will be bad days, YES you will go through anger, frustration and pain, you will act up, be awkward and difficult, but accept that the sun will rise tomorrow and you will be a day further away from it.
IT IS YOUR CHOICE where you will be and what you will be doing as that sun rises.
Choose well.
Time IS a healer, just maybe not as quick as we'd like sometimes!
Charlotte x
Comments
Charlotte
I just wanted to write publicly what I said to you earlier today ... your recovery from GAD and OCD and severe life traumas, becoming happily married with a much-loved son, your flair as a writer and editor, your success as a businesswoman, your kindness, your attitude to life, your forward optimism -- you are an absolutely AMAZING person and so INSPIRATIONAL and I am so proud to know you personally.
I have been deeply worried about you the past couple of days and I can't pretend I haven't. But knowing how strong your family is and how much you care about everyone in your life has really touched me -- to know that you now have, as you say, the maturity not to self-destruct -- the capacity you have for healing is truly remarkable. Yes I have been through severe life traumas of my own but nobody I have ever known has shown such determination to recover and lead a new life, not free from the past, because it was so traumatic, but able to move on except during trigger times and to help others each day through a growing range of Mental Healthy initiatives. You are so kind to everyone around you Charlotte too.
I am so, so very proud of you and your wellbeing means so much to me. Take care of yourself,
Ian
:-) As always you are too kind. Many people go through much trauma, I am just blessed I can share my recovery and learning with you guys.
Please don't worry about me, like anyone (with or without my history) I have good days and bad days. Just very pleased I have the wonderful life and support now that mean my bad days are fewer and not as intense as they once were.
Take great care of yourself, you are another one who could do with taking their own advice :)
Thank you so much for saying so. I think it is important to be honest, with others, but more importantly with ourselves. I know I am inspired not by those who claim perfection, but more from those who accept their flaws and achieve their goals regardless.
Thank you very much for sharing x
Thank you so much. Was a trying journey but one that I am ultimately very proud of, was a very well made film :)
Hi, thanks for your feedback, i'm sorry this piece didn't hit the spot for you. Mental Illness is dark and all-consuming and sometimes us bloggers can be accused of being too uplifting, but I hope to try and strike a balance. Thanks for the feedback on Ruby show, it was a really very well madebit of telly and i think Ruby did very well.
Best wishes,
Charlotte
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